I Rest in Christ

Christ is my peace...my strength...my calm.  A close friend said to me once, it is ok to fall into Christs arms when we are tired and to just rest there in His mercy and grace.  I take comfort in that!  The world can be such a busy place.  I get caught up in the business of the day and I get overwhelmed.  I get overwhelmed with the trials in my life and I get distressed.  I get workup over little issues and I become tired.  LIFE!  But I love the fact that I can take solace in the love of my Saviour and that His arms are open 24 hrs, for me to rest.

Broken

This summer we finalized our divorce.  What a heartbreaking time.  I worked very hard all year to make sure our kids still felt like they still had a family.  I never in a million years would have wanted to see my children suffer from the break up of their parents. It broke my heart that my children were put in that statistic of a broken home.  Our home wasn't broken!  It was just different!  I have cried out to the Lord so many times to protect their hearts and to give them a security in relationships.
At the end of this summer we faced some news that I will not fully share but it very much was a sign to the children that their dad had moved on.  It was a sign to me too!  I all of a sudden felt like we were broken... we had fallen into that statistic.  My heart broke.  Why God would our little family be faced with this!  I forever had dreamed of a full functioning family!  Not a broken one!  To look at my children and see the tears and confusion in their faces was tormenting!  The anxiety that overwhelmed me was disabling.  For a week I asked God, "why my family!"
By the way.... this week was last week.  This is fresh.
This week I still don't have all the answers, but I have peace.  We aren't broken.  Even though the church would like to look at me like we are, and the man that interviews me tells me that I'm a single mom so that is hard to hire in a Christain atmosphere... God keeps on telling me that in Him we are whole.  My kids have a great family.  A good one, and a loving one.
My family is unique but whole

Quiet spirits

I look back to year ago in our lives.  What a different story!  There was caos, anger, bitterness, confusion, and  plenty more emotions!  I am so greatful that we have such a big God and that He is capable of moving those mountains of emotions!  I know for a fact that we are doing much better due to God's hand in our lives.
A prayer that I prayed almost a year ago today was to quiet my spirit.  Well I tell ya, God had His work cut out because my spirit was on FIRE!  And it was creating a destructive path.  My children had been picking up on my very unsettled spirit for so long that they were also very angry.  You can imagine the outbursts at home and sometimes even in public!  I knew that as we embarked on our new life living on the ranch with grandpa and grandma that we had to make changes.  I was a very blessed to be able to have time to heal.  I didn't have to work or be anywhere.  I had to time to reflect and heal.  Now I'm sure you've read prior posts....and if you haven't you should.  It will give you a clearer picture of my journey.  During my time of reflection I asked God to heal me.  To quiet my spirit and to be filled with His love.  It wasn't instant and it didn't come without a fight.... but it came.  I just kept my heart open and willing.  And God kept me under His wing as I threw all my tantrums.  The boys were healed almost immediately.  I prayed with passion that the Lord would have mercy upon them and fill them with His love and grace.  It was amazing to watch the angry words get kinder, the frustrating fits turn into times of reasoning, tears of pure bitterness change to tears of remorse, and to see our family slowly starting to come together in love.  There was more laughter and less tears, more loving touches and less hatred, and most of all our home became more peaceful.
I would have never imagined, with my big personality, and with the hurt and stresses of the past that it was even possible to quiet my spirit.  But I learned that when God promises something, He can do it!  We just have to be open and willing!

Hola!

Nothing like taking 5 months off of writing in my blog!  Wow time flies by so fast.  I feel like we barely saw summer!  Now school is back in session and we are all cracking the whip with routines and after school activities.  I am still looking for some work, during school hours.  I had an interview today with an online Christian school to do their finance and marketing.  DREAM JOB!  So I really hope I get it.
Well in the last 5 months I've had plenty of time to learn more lessons, dream bigger dreams, and to quiet my soul to the Lords leading.
I may not be the most experience writer but everything is definitely from the heart!

Celebrating Grandpa's life

Meeting his Jesus

This week I said goodbye to my grandpa.  He hasn't passed yet but he is so close.  My children hugged and kissed their great grandpa.  My dad, mom, sister, brother, myself, my kids and my aunt sang Amazing Grace to him. (my other brother was on a holiday with his wife).  It has always been one of his favorites.  It is amazing to think of the life of this man.  He was very successful in all that he did.  He was generous to family and loved us all so much.  The memories are sweet growing up only a mile away.  We'd ride our bikes or walk over to his farm to eat supper or to play.  He would always challenge us.  Everything from push ups, sit ups, walking on our hands to chin ups.  He'd shout out the directions and then count as we did it.  I can still hear his gruff firm voice echoing in my ears.  Out on the tennis courts he'd turn on the ball machine and we'd hit those balls as he told us how to hit them harder.  He'd praise us when we recieved honors in school and he would brag to all his friends.  If we had a 90% average, to him it was a 95%.  He was so proud of his grandkids.  Out in the field I remember as a little girl feeding the cows and standing in the hay.  We'd sit by the river and he'd tell us adventures of the Islands where he was a geologist.  When we'd eat supper (spaghetti was always a favorite with grandma's Johnny cake) he'd share tales of WW2 and of how his brothers Don and Pat proudly fought and died for their country.  After supper we'd all gather in the living room and watch Murder She Wrote as we pulled his hair.  He said if we pulled it that it made it stronger.  We'd get a whole 5 cents!  Grandma would tell us how she had to chase him with the broom that day to whip him into shape.
I remember finding him in his reading chair memorizing his books.  He had an amazing memory.  He'd teach us sayings from his childhood and challenge us to memorize them.  Just the other day my brother Doug and I recited it to him.
There are so many memories, I could sit for hours with my family and share for hours.  But one of the most precious moments was when my grandpa asked his Saviour into his heart.  He was in his 80's.  For years we'd talk to him about the Lord.  He never denied him and believed there was a God.  But he would never profess him as Lord.  I remember lighting a candle that day.  And now as I sit hear and write I can just imagine that when he passes their will be candles lighting his way to His Saviour.  The angels will be singing and he will see his beautiful Bride waiting.
Life is so precious and short.  He still looks at us with eyes that are still wanting to seek more adventure.  But his body is old and frail and it is time to go.
I'll forever take the great memories he has left with us.
I love you grandpa.
Your granddaughter
Barb

A New Normal

In recent months my little family has undergone huge changes.
Some of you may know me well, and some of you may not... here is a small glimpse into the last year of my life.

                “Mommy this is our new happy life.  We have to smile more, no more crying. “

                “I have 2 great parents and a wonderful family.”

                “The farm is a wonderful place to live and I love the horses, it’s also great that we see daddy.”

                “I love our puppy Enzo, he loves us so much.”

                “It was sad that our first puppy Rosco died but he is in heaven helping Jesus.”

                “Mommy we I didn’t realize school could be so great, our new school is awesome.”

                “Daddy, I hope you catch lots of deer when you hunt.” (he caught 3)

                “We miss Red Deer but we like our new happy life.”

                These were some of the comments that I heard  in the last few months from my 3 boys, and I think that it pretty much sums up some of the details of our last year.  To be honest we are so focused on the present and the bright future ahead that we don’t like to dwell on the past.   I will briefly go over our last year, but I am sure that most of you are aware of our current situation.  The purpose of this letter is to share with you where our little family has been and where we are headed and how we are so greatful and blessed.

The last 12 years have been full of ups and downs.  They were very stressful years.  I was becoming more and more unhealthy due to the toxic stress and he children were showing severe signs that the stress was affecting them as well.  With the strength and help from my family I made a decision that changed our lives.  After a tough summer that ended with me having an emotional breakdown, and my children in dire need of some major TLC, I made the decision to move the boys and I to the ranch.  Please know that without going into much detail that the decision wasn’t made lightly.   

August 2010.  I’m sure this month will be noted in our minds forever.  It was a month of CHANGE!  Good change.  I made decisions very quickly, and literally decided over night to leave and we didn’t turn back.  I made the effort to get emotionally healthy, and prayed for miracles that my sons would heal.  My prayers were answered and I had 3 miracles.  Each of my children were healed of the symptoms that were caused by anxiety and stress.  Praise God!  Mom and Dad graciously offered their basement suite to us to help us get on our feet.  We hope to move into the cabin on the property in the spring.  They are in the time of their lives where most individuals their age are retired and travelling.  They are blessed parents to us and VERY special.  Everyday they are caring for the needs of their children and grandchildren and are selflessly sacrificing their time to make sure we are all ok.  My precious mother and father have given us their time and their love daily.  They have been key in our healing.  The farm has been amazing and the boys LOVE the space, quads, horses and EVERYTHING else it has to offer.  Life is good.  It’s been a long time since I looked at the future with a smile and knew we’d be ok.

The boys and I are building a new life.  The boys love their new school, Olds Koinonia. (the school where my sibblings and I attended.)    They must love it because we leave the house at 7 30am and we arrive home around 4 30pm.  They are long days….but good ones!  I work as a part time Education Assistant.  We are a unique family unit.  Reid visits the boys weekly and we remain a “family”; we visit, and have fun and enjoy supper together.   The boys are happy and understand they have 2 parents who love them dearly and they have a wonderful family. 

Only through God could we have survived this year.  Only through God can we have such a unique family.   God has been good to us.   Did I expect what His blessings would be?  No.  But they are bountiful!   

A lighter load

Clothed in Grace....
What a refreshing feeling.  I was free of the bitterness and anger that had clothed me for years!  Of course it creeps up on me now and then but it doesn't consume me.  Isn't it interesting that when we are insecure we tend to try to cover it up with things that make us feel good.  Why would bitterness and anger make me feel good?  Because I could dwell on it and have a pitty party!  But truthfully in the end, it really doesn't feel that great, and it is such a heavy burden to carry.  Thank God for loving family who didn't let me stay clothed in such heavy attire.  They challenged me to strip myself of everything that brought me down and to re-clothe myself in Christ, which is the embodiment of righteousness and grace.  I tell ya, my load is lifted and I feel free.  It is easier to love those that are hard to love.  It is easier to forgive those that constantly seem to do me wrong.  I even sleep better!

I was left naked!

It was one of the longest panic attacks I’d ever experienced.  Stupid thing started in one of Calgary’s biggest malls and I was alone.  I had gone out for a wonderful lunch with my mom and sister and they had left to go to a dentist appointment.  For goodness sakes, they had very simply walked away from me and I panic.  So I do what I do best and I shopped, hoping as I went that I could pray it out of my system.  I felt like I couldn’t breathe and if someone dare speak to me I feared I’d burst into a stream of never ending tears.  I had to get out of the mall and drive.  Maybe some quiet time on the road would calm my mind and still my heart.  It turned out I was going to have a conversation with God.  I was good at having conversations with God, or should I say tantrums.  Believe me, I was getting pretty good at battling it out with God.  But this time it was just a simple conversation, and I had some serious things to discuss.  After all it was His fault that I was in this panic attack!  He’d left me naked!  ALONE AND NAKED! 
He wanted me to be clothed in His Grace and Righteousness...

Prayer over coffee

I was sitting in Tim Hortons yesterday and saw some local men businessmen sitting at a table.  I knew who they were and knew that there was a couple of men in the group that were experiencing trials in their lives.  There was a marraige at stake, and a man who's wife had just had cancer removed.  I'm sure among the group there were various issues that they were personally dealing with that I was unaware about.  I sat on the other side of a dividing wall for a couple of hours... I was actually creating my blog!  As I was leaving I glanced over at their table and saw all their heads bowed in prayer.  The place was filled with locals and they were openly engaged in prayer.  In a public place.  Praise God there is still no shame in meeting among the community and engaging in open prayer!  In a day when marriage seperations are far too common, when our youth is needing more attention than ever due to the pressures of peers, drugs, internet and gaming.  In a time that more and more of our loved ones are getting sick with cancer and disease.  It is no time to be taking God out of the schools and community.  It is clear that more than ever we need God and we need prayer.  How encouraging to see that a group of men, men that lead our generations, are still taking time to pray.  Even over a coffee.

"When I grow up..."

As a little girl I used to fantasize about what life would be like when I grew up.  I used to pray to God that  He wouldn't come back until after I got married and had kids.  I had the perfect picture of what it would all look like.  I confess it was a little too perfect, it was the typical "white picket fence, secure" kind of life.  When people asked what I wanted to be when I grew up my number one answer was to be a mom.  I wanted to be a mom and a wife.
Lets fast forward.  God granted my wish, I am a mom of 3 boys and I have also been a wife.  It isn't the white picket fence life I'd imagined and I certainly had no idea God's plan for my life.
I tell ya, this road call life has been a little different than I imagined it to be.  But I can see now that God always has a plan.  And He has given me the grace to move forward everyday.