What do you want to be when you grow up? The big question we were asked as kids. I wanted to be a mommy. I was told once that being a mommy wasn't a good enough answer, that I needed to aspire to be something great in the world. I needed to focus on school and a future career. I will never forget the day that man said that to me. It stuck with me forever and unfortunately I based my personal success on his statement to me. I look back on so many "starts and stops", I never followed through on many things I started. I had no goals. My self worth was a zero. I blamed others for my lack of success. I would actually give a sigh of relief if I was given permission to not complete something I started. I wouldn't take responsibility either, I'd point fingers at others and say that they were the cause of my failure. When I became a mother I took these habits with me. I desperately tried in my own will to raise them the best I could. But at night I was plagued with a day full of failure. I'd try to fill the void of feeling like a failure with my kids and try to start a job or I'd talk of going back to school. My poor family and friends that have had to endure years of me telling them of ALL the jobs I would start or of all the different schooling I might do. Oh my goodness. I think I've thought of being everything from a Car Salesperson to a Senior's Fitness Instructor in the last 17 years, and many other things in between! I make myself dizzy just thinking back on it all! If only I'd just focused on being a mommy! A wife! A friend! A sister! A daughter! My goodness my plate would have been more than full! Those were the things most precious to me and yet most neglected! Why on earth had I listened to that horrible advice to pursue something more than being a mommy. That was my dream! And that was OK!
Right up until 2 years ago I was still feeling like a complete failure. To top it off my marriage ended. No career. No marriage. No success in raising my kids. THANK GOD FOR GRACE! I'm sad my marriage ended but I don't regret it. It was a good decision, for many reasons. I decided for the first time in my life EVER to work on building relationships. First with God. Without God I could not be a success at anything. Without God I had no identity. I was absolutely done trying to do things in my own power! If you've read my blog you will see my journey of letting God have all of me. I was NAKED before him. I was FINALLY ready to let God do it. I just gave it all to Him. If I'd have it my way I'd have changed things over night. That would have been easy and would have felt really really good! (in my own humaness). But of course that's not practical and I would be lacking in a great amount of character. If you would have asked me 2 years ago where I'd be today I would have answered with a prayer that I'd be sane! Well I'm happy to say I'm more than that! I'm a SUCCESS! Yes I am! For the first time in my life I am no longer a failure, I'm successfull. I AM a mom. I AM a sister. I AM a daughter. I AM a friend. And I have a job! I will admit I have only recently given God the whole job thing. When I finally did I was pleasantly surprised He knew me more than I did! I just laugh at myself! I have the perfect job as an Education Assistant! To top it off I have the biggest blessing of all, 3 beautiful boys who are being parented! With great success!
I'm going to take a breather! I promise to write again soon!