A New Normal

In recent months my little family has undergone huge changes.
Some of you may know me well, and some of you may not... here is a small glimpse into the last year of my life.

                “Mommy this is our new happy life.  We have to smile more, no more crying. “

                “I have 2 great parents and a wonderful family.”

                “The farm is a wonderful place to live and I love the horses, it’s also great that we see daddy.”

                “I love our puppy Enzo, he loves us so much.”

                “It was sad that our first puppy Rosco died but he is in heaven helping Jesus.”

                “Mommy we I didn’t realize school could be so great, our new school is awesome.”

                “Daddy, I hope you catch lots of deer when you hunt.” (he caught 3)

                “We miss Red Deer but we like our new happy life.”

                These were some of the comments that I heard  in the last few months from my 3 boys, and I think that it pretty much sums up some of the details of our last year.  To be honest we are so focused on the present and the bright future ahead that we don’t like to dwell on the past.   I will briefly go over our last year, but I am sure that most of you are aware of our current situation.  The purpose of this letter is to share with you where our little family has been and where we are headed and how we are so greatful and blessed.

The last 12 years have been full of ups and downs.  They were very stressful years.  I was becoming more and more unhealthy due to the toxic stress and he children were showing severe signs that the stress was affecting them as well.  With the strength and help from my family I made a decision that changed our lives.  After a tough summer that ended with me having an emotional breakdown, and my children in dire need of some major TLC, I made the decision to move the boys and I to the ranch.  Please know that without going into much detail that the decision wasn’t made lightly.   

August 2010.  I’m sure this month will be noted in our minds forever.  It was a month of CHANGE!  Good change.  I made decisions very quickly, and literally decided over night to leave and we didn’t turn back.  I made the effort to get emotionally healthy, and prayed for miracles that my sons would heal.  My prayers were answered and I had 3 miracles.  Each of my children were healed of the symptoms that were caused by anxiety and stress.  Praise God!  Mom and Dad graciously offered their basement suite to us to help us get on our feet.  We hope to move into the cabin on the property in the spring.  They are in the time of their lives where most individuals their age are retired and travelling.  They are blessed parents to us and VERY special.  Everyday they are caring for the needs of their children and grandchildren and are selflessly sacrificing their time to make sure we are all ok.  My precious mother and father have given us their time and their love daily.  They have been key in our healing.  The farm has been amazing and the boys LOVE the space, quads, horses and EVERYTHING else it has to offer.  Life is good.  It’s been a long time since I looked at the future with a smile and knew we’d be ok.

The boys and I are building a new life.  The boys love their new school, Olds Koinonia. (the school where my sibblings and I attended.)    They must love it because we leave the house at 7 30am and we arrive home around 4 30pm.  They are long days….but good ones!  I work as a part time Education Assistant.  We are a unique family unit.  Reid visits the boys weekly and we remain a “family”; we visit, and have fun and enjoy supper together.   The boys are happy and understand they have 2 parents who love them dearly and they have a wonderful family. 

Only through God could we have survived this year.  Only through God can we have such a unique family.   God has been good to us.   Did I expect what His blessings would be?  No.  But they are bountiful!   

A lighter load

Clothed in Grace....
What a refreshing feeling.  I was free of the bitterness and anger that had clothed me for years!  Of course it creeps up on me now and then but it doesn't consume me.  Isn't it interesting that when we are insecure we tend to try to cover it up with things that make us feel good.  Why would bitterness and anger make me feel good?  Because I could dwell on it and have a pitty party!  But truthfully in the end, it really doesn't feel that great, and it is such a heavy burden to carry.  Thank God for loving family who didn't let me stay clothed in such heavy attire.  They challenged me to strip myself of everything that brought me down and to re-clothe myself in Christ, which is the embodiment of righteousness and grace.  I tell ya, my load is lifted and I feel free.  It is easier to love those that are hard to love.  It is easier to forgive those that constantly seem to do me wrong.  I even sleep better!

I was left naked!

It was one of the longest panic attacks I’d ever experienced.  Stupid thing started in one of Calgary’s biggest malls and I was alone.  I had gone out for a wonderful lunch with my mom and sister and they had left to go to a dentist appointment.  For goodness sakes, they had very simply walked away from me and I panic.  So I do what I do best and I shopped, hoping as I went that I could pray it out of my system.  I felt like I couldn’t breathe and if someone dare speak to me I feared I’d burst into a stream of never ending tears.  I had to get out of the mall and drive.  Maybe some quiet time on the road would calm my mind and still my heart.  It turned out I was going to have a conversation with God.  I was good at having conversations with God, or should I say tantrums.  Believe me, I was getting pretty good at battling it out with God.  But this time it was just a simple conversation, and I had some serious things to discuss.  After all it was His fault that I was in this panic attack!  He’d left me naked!  ALONE AND NAKED! 
He wanted me to be clothed in His Grace and Righteousness...

Prayer over coffee

I was sitting in Tim Hortons yesterday and saw some local men businessmen sitting at a table.  I knew who they were and knew that there was a couple of men in the group that were experiencing trials in their lives.  There was a marraige at stake, and a man who's wife had just had cancer removed.  I'm sure among the group there were various issues that they were personally dealing with that I was unaware about.  I sat on the other side of a dividing wall for a couple of hours... I was actually creating my blog!  As I was leaving I glanced over at their table and saw all their heads bowed in prayer.  The place was filled with locals and they were openly engaged in prayer.  In a public place.  Praise God there is still no shame in meeting among the community and engaging in open prayer!  In a day when marriage seperations are far too common, when our youth is needing more attention than ever due to the pressures of peers, drugs, internet and gaming.  In a time that more and more of our loved ones are getting sick with cancer and disease.  It is no time to be taking God out of the schools and community.  It is clear that more than ever we need God and we need prayer.  How encouraging to see that a group of men, men that lead our generations, are still taking time to pray.  Even over a coffee.

"When I grow up..."

As a little girl I used to fantasize about what life would be like when I grew up.  I used to pray to God that  He wouldn't come back until after I got married and had kids.  I had the perfect picture of what it would all look like.  I confess it was a little too perfect, it was the typical "white picket fence, secure" kind of life.  When people asked what I wanted to be when I grew up my number one answer was to be a mom.  I wanted to be a mom and a wife.
Lets fast forward.  God granted my wish, I am a mom of 3 boys and I have also been a wife.  It isn't the white picket fence life I'd imagined and I certainly had no idea God's plan for my life.
I tell ya, this road call life has been a little different than I imagined it to be.  But I can see now that God always has a plan.  And He has given me the grace to move forward everyday.